A thorough yet concise review of “Excel Saga” in only two words, actually only two syllables, both broken up into separate paragraphs so as to facilitate ease of comprehension while also adding a certain visual panache (you know, like Mondrian) as well to these somewhat routine proceedings, thereby allowing the masses to easily and readily bathe in the grand and glorious story of how the wondrous Il Palazzo allowed Excel and Hyatt to act on his behalf to bring his dreams of order to fruition over the course of some twenty six episodes, though they never actually succeeded too much and naturally I have to point out that it was usually quite hard to watch more than two episodes at a time (I am rather frail), since the result of such astonishingly energetic activity tended to leave me spurting more blood than Hyatt while I collapsed, dying…well, yes, I exaggerate a bit, it wasn’t that stressful or frantic for me, not as much as for Pedro for example, but let me tell you, the night I watched four episodes in one evening was a lot like drinking eighteen cups of coffee in one sitting or perhaps only sixteen, I don’t drink coffee so I wouldn’t know the effect to be honest, my caffinated beverage of choice is Dr. Pepper, not because I like the taste so much as because it’s hard to drink and thus a dollar spent on such a bottle lasts a whole workday morning, not like Mountain Dew which I’ve already half drunk before it even leaves the vending machine, which reminds me, why are vending machines called “vending machines” and not something shorter and more modernly compressed like “venders,” or “vendroids,” the way “motion pictures” is compressed into “movies” or “television” into “TV” or (you can insert other examples here, I’m sure you can think of lots, that’s a good bit of entertainment for an evening, compressing words) something else, but if you’ll let me return to the subject at hand, “vendroids” would save a lot of time if you were going to complain about how one took your money and vended nothing though I suppose on the other hand having to write out all those extra syllables might give you time to cool your anger (or ardor) and prevent the vending (ha ha) of harsh blows against authority which makes everyone sad, though not as sad as I was during the last moments of episode 23 and the first moments of episode 24 (of “Excel Saga” I remind you) when characters who moments before had been basically props like matches in a fireworks factory or dog food in an orchestra pit suddenly became all too human and all too frail and I could see how their simple dreams of acceptance were so beyond their reach, well, I like to tell you some people who weren’t me were tearing up like little girls but that wasn’t me you think you saw posted on YouTube, that was a digital lie, it was an actual little girl who, uh, came over to use the phone and happened to see those sad parts and then tried to use her sad anime eyes to make me buy some toothpaste, yes, she was young and already on her way to being an entrepreneur which is quite admirable, but much as I think dental care is important—you only get one set of teeth after all, two if you count baby teeth, three if you count dentures and four if you count an extra set of dentures for travel if you want to eat Region 2 food—well, the truth is I had just won a radio contest and received 400,000 tubes of toothpaste which, coupled with the 100,000 I habitually own anyway, would last me far beyond my normal lifespan so I built a house with the rest of them (there was a brief moment when I considered using them to fight crime but that lasted only until I realized that it would look stupid and “Fllllossssss!” wouldn’t work as a battle cry and didn’t involve toothpaste anyway, oh and can you imagine how mad Trapster would be if his original villain name had been Toothpaste Pot Pete, he would never live that down) COUGH and SNEEZE so I had to send her away with her toothpaste unsold, but I tried to tell her to take heart, that with a song on her lips and greed in her heart she would continue onward and upward and finally she would choose her path, marshal her talents, and wherever she chose to apply herself, she would always excel, and, and…and…that word, “excel” reminds me of something, what is it, come on, brain, smudge those glasses, what is it, oh yes, now I remember, it’s the very subject of today’s Two Word Anime Review Theatre, well, if you add the word “Saga” and don’t consider that either “Excel” or “Saga” is part of either of the two words which comprise the review which is probably pretty easy if you don’t really obsess over the details like I pretend I do, all those unfinished paintings to the contrary, yes, yes, thanks for asking, they’re constantly moaning about being unfinished, always and forever and villains! Dissemble no more! Here, here, it is the rustling of their unfinished brushstrokes! Then I wake up in a strange motel in a pool of blood and no memory of how I got there, other than I’m sure I don’t have A) fangs that large or B) a series in development. Also, don’t let them kid you, cadmium red takes forever to dry, I’m sure you’ve all learned that to your peril by now. And speaking of now (and peril), it’s time for Two Word Anime Review Theatre’s review of Excel Saga!