Milk Run

Okay, so I bought milk a couple of days back and decided I would have a glass today. And I tear the little plastic ring off, and when I take off the cap, there’s the milk, right there (in the container). Where’s the little foil piece they put on?

I look, and it’s kind of stuck inside the cap. So I’m thinking either manufacturing defect or maybe someone put poison in the milk (at least this one container). It would be possible to pry the cap off without breaking it, but the foil container is like waxed on or something, you couldn’t fake that.

However, I’m pretty tired and I’m thirsty for milk so I decide to drink it anyway, and I did. And I lay down on the couch reading a book of short stories, and there’s this voice that says, Man, what if you just drank poison? Is this all you’re going to do?

So, after arguing with this voice for a while (“You could be one of those statistics, you know!”) I decided to take measures. I find a slip of paper and write “Check the Milk” on it, thinking all the while, Mention The RUN. I put it on the stove (next to the refrigerator).

Then I tidy up the place a bit. I’m thinking if I don’t show up to work and they can’t call me (because I’m dead from poisoning), they might call the police and I figure I should make it pretty easy on everyone. That’s why I wrote the note, so the police would check the milk and find the poison and they’d know what was what, here. And I tidied up because who wants to break in to someone’s house and not only find a dead body, but also a mess? That’s not really in the holiday spirit, is it.

I thought for a while about writing a text document on the computer and leaving it on the screen. It would go into a little more detail about how this was not a suicide and so forth, maybe have my mom’s phone number and some instructions for posting about my demise on Blogger.

Ultimately, though, I thought I’d rather have the nap and not get all involved in some text file because you know me, it would take forever and there’d be all kinds of theorizing and little asides and maybe even footnotes and stuff, including instructions for how to create a Blogger account, and as mentioned I was kind of tired. I was even more tired at this point, in fact.

So I had the nap and that worked out fine. And as you can see, I’m not dead so I’m glad I didn’t waste a lot of time with some text document that wasn’t even relevant in the end. I mean, even less so than most of what I write. And I got a tidier living space out of the deal, too.

Sometimes evil intentions result in a greater good, I guess.


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