LeelaFest 2005!

Well, the first annual Leelafest was held recently. Participating were,
Leela of the Sevateem
Turanga Leela
and Leela.

Leela Felini

And you’d have to say it was a resounding, stunning success. You’d have to say it, because they wouldn’t let me in. They slammed the door in my face, and wouldn’t even look at my press credentials (which is what they were).

So, I hung around for a while and counted the bricks in the auditorium wall. Turns out there are over a whole lot of them. (Every time I heard a noise I lost count.)

At last, the Fest came to a trumphant conclusion (I was told). The various Leelas shared gossip, career advice and funny stories, “and we hope to do it again next year,” they told me, before adding, “Get lost.”

“They’re coming for you! YOU’RE NEXT!”

I’d like to think that those words bring to mind Kevin McCarthy, running along the highway, shouting his futile warning about the coming takeover. And that you all took those words to heart, like I did, thinking, Hey, if any aliens show up to body-snatch, I’ll never let them do it. I’ll kick them in the unmentionables. Oh wait, that won’t work. Well, I’ll kick them anyway. They may not know what it means to be human, but I’ll show them our sensitive areas!

Be a pod? Sure, the premise sounds seductive, but not me, man, I’ll never surrender! I will not do it!

Well, I did it. I thought about it for a while, then I went ahead and did it.

I’d like to think I was forced into it, that the seductive thoughts of careless pleasure, and opened eternities, blinded me and fell me at a stroke. That the thought of no more problems made me blink, and turn; and when I turned, and fell, the fall was not so great as I feared.

I’d like to think that. But I don’t know if I can think those thoughts. They’re so distant from me now. Like everything else, they seem to belong to someone else. Not me. After today, everything changed.

Today, I became a Pod Person.

Specifically, an iPod Person.

I bought an iPod.

Why did I do it? I can’t say. I don’t know. It just happened. I was thinking about how insignificant I am, and I guess I just let that get to me.

So, now I have an iPod. It’s still wrapped up tight in its shrink wrap. But sometime, perhaps sometime soon, it will get out. It will get out. That is its nature. It gets out. It gets out, and it hunts. And, having subdued its quarry for the moment (me), it hunts again. Who does it hunt?

All of you. It’s looking for all of you. It knows what you want. And it can give you exactly what you want. And it’s ready to do that.

Be afraid. Be very afraid. I warn you, because I know that–

Oh my God. What happened to the lights?