Got Nothing

Over at Fark, when someone has nothing to say in a topic forum, and wants everyone to know that, he says something unrelated and then ends by saying “/got nothin’.” It’s like the urge to post something, anything, is greater than the urge to think of something relevant to the topic at hand. Is that what we’re evolving into? A race that exhales language?

It’d be easy to complain about this, and normally I would, as I tend to complain about nearly everyone, but one can see the advantages of talking or writing, and then telling everyone about what you just said or wrote. It’s like grading your own exam. Wow, I got an A again, what did you get? That doctorate is totally mine.

Since I “got nothing” (I like to leave my g’s on) I thought I’d put some random stuff in here. It’s my blog and I’ll post if I want to, post if I want to, post if I want to; you would post to if you signed up and got a screen name and everything.

Below, we find some good advice I wrote in one of my other websites:

“I’ve discovered a sure-fire cure for dorkiness. The bass guitar. Think about it: Don Knotts as Barney Fife: dorky. Put a bass guitar in his hands, though, and he’s the edgy bassist from some New York band. Bob Denver as Gilligan: dorky. With a bass guitar, though, he’s a guy in a power-pop band. Who else? Eddie Deezen? He becomes someone in a synth-pop band, probably the guy who also writes the lyrics. Elmer Fudd? He could be in a scary downtown industrial band, a dance outfit, or a respected jazz player. So, all you geeks, dorks and nerds, that’s all you need! Just carry around a bass guitar all the time. Everywhere you go, people will say, “Wow, I thought he was a dork, but after seeing him with the bass, he’s completely cool.”
A regular guitar would not work, by the way. That is because you have to invest a regular guitar with your own personality, and you need a decent one to accomplish more than the hop from “Dork” to “Dork with guitar.” No, no, only the bass guitar possesses the necessary coolness in and of itself.
If I could have patented this, I would have, but I didn’t invent the bass guitar. That’s the only reason you’re getting this for free. You’re welcome.”

You can try it with anyone, including non-dorks like Dr. Freex. If you look at his picture, he wears a hat, which is okay, there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s perfectly all right, it could happen to anyone. But if you give him a bass guitar, he’d be standing on stage, watching with bemused eyes as Roger Daltry yelled his head off and Pete Townsend did that “windmill” thing for which he was famous for a while there. And you’d think, Wow, the bass player for The Who writes movie reviews? Wow, that is great. Pretty much everything’s right with the world I guess. Even better is that picture that the B-Masters Cabal uses, if you imagine he’s holding a bass guitar, well, he’s completely Motorheading down the rock and roll interstate.

Note: I chose Dr. Freex NOT because he’s a dork–he isn’t–but because he’s already pretty cool, and the jump from cool to uber-cool is much more easily illustrated in such contexts. In fact, with a bass guitar, he almost becomes too cool. Look at those dials on the Krell coolometer; I’ve never seen them that high. Perhaps we should take it away from him before mankind makes the same mistake as the Krell, and we explode with coolness.

Also, he’s the first person I thought of, who I knew what he looked like, and if one’s theory doesn’t work on the first random person one imagines, one’s theory is like, total crap. The New England Journal of Medicine will completely laugh at you, and they will discuss you in belittling terms around the latte machine. Don’t find out the hard way, like I did. Fifteen dollars for a pizza!

/Got nothing.


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